I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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