My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
