So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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