I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
