I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
