Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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