I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
