I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
