i'm lost and i look like a hooker
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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