I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
