There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
