i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
