Well douche your snatch and let's go!
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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