i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
