How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I am naked and annoyed.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
