i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
