Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
