i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
