We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
