She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
