how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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