I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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