I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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