a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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