I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
