He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
