its not stalking. its research.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
