Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
