the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
