god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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