It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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