Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
