No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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