dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
