Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
