3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
