I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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