He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
