Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
