There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
