I accidentally burped into my bong.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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