I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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