she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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