i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
