She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
