I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
