She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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