dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
