can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
