The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
