M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
